Someone once said: "You don't stop smiling because you grow old - You grow old because you stop smiling!" So thanks to my internetfriends and Bravenet, here's a compilation of rejuvenating fun!
Court Bloopers
>Q: What is your date of birth?
>A: July fifteenth
>Q: What year?
>A:Every year
>Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
>Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>A: Yes
>Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>A: I forget
>Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've >forgotten?
>Q: How old is your son, the one living with you
>A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which
>Q: How long has he lived with you?
>A: Forty-five years
>Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
>A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>Q: And why did that upset you?
>A: My name is Susan.
>Q: And where was the location of the accident?
>A: Approximately milepost 499.
>Q: And where is milepost 499?
>A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
>Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
>A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
>Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
>A: After the accident?
>Q: Before the accident.
>A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
>Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
>A: We both do.
>Q: Voodoo?
>A: We do.
>Q: You do?
>A: Yes, voodoo.
>Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
>A: Yes.
>Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
>A: Yes, sir.
>Q: What did she say?
>A: What disco am I at?
>Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
>Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
>Q: Did he kill you?
>Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
>Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
>Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
>Q: She had three children, right?
>A: Yes.
>Q: How many were boys?
>A: None.
>Q: Were there any girls?
>Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
>A: Yes.
>Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
>Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
>A: I went to Europe, Sir.
>Q: And you took your new wife?
>Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
>A: By death.
>Q: And by whose death was it terminated?>Q: Can you describe the individual?
>A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>Q: Was this a male, or a female?
>Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
>A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.>Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
>A: Oral.> Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.>Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
>A: No.
>Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
>A: No.
>Q: Did you check for breathing?
>A: No.
>Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
>A: No.
>Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
>A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere...
Supplies
A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation. They send an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island and arrange to come back and pick them up in a years time and see how they have adapted.
The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves.
"I'm an engineer" says the Englishman, "So I'll handle building a shelter".
He turns to the Frenchman and says: "You French are pretty good cooks - why don't you handle the cooking?"
The Frenchman agrees, and the Englishman turns to the Japanese man "That leaves you to organise the supplies" he says.
The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks.A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have coped. They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches and balconies. The Englishman comes to greet them, and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says "Yeah well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did the place up"
The teams are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen where they're greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food. The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs "I had lots to work with" he says, "This island has loads of edible herbs and plants."
The team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them inquires about the Japanese man. "Oh we don't know what happened to him" explains the Englishman, he ran off into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since".
They all agree that they should find the man, and a search party is organised. They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with peacock feathers sticking out of his arse and shouts:............
..
..
..."SUPPLIES!!"
A True Story
This is an accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is the bricklayer's report, a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have walked away with a Darwin Award for sure!
> > Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in block #11 of the accident report form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me.
This explains the two broken legs.
